One sunny sunday morning I was peacefully sitting in the bedroom, just minding my own bidness, reading the latest Fine Homebuilding magazine, and waiting for Jenny to get out of the shower, so we could go get some breakfast tacos at a new taco joint that had opened last week. It was owned by a friend, and we wanted to go show her support for taking the plunge and opening her new restaurant. Marias Tacos.
The shower cut off, and Jenny stepped out of the tub, and started toweling off. We had been married for about 10 years, and even so, I never missed the opportunity to look at her body. I had loved this woman from almost the day we met, when she was some other guys girlfriend, and in my eyes, her body, even after thirteen years of living with her, sleeping naked next to her, showering with her, and sharing the passion of sex, and smiling at her in the mornings, with sheet wrinkles on her face, sour morning breath, and her hair all rumpled, she was smokin hot.
She didn’t have a flawless body, but it went together very well, and I never failed to wonder why she had chosen me to marry, a skinny intense spastic ADHD whack job of a guy. She had much more handsome suitors in college, who were destined to be more financially successful than I, and were suave, and funny, with nice clothes, and nice cars, and were everything that I was not. But she chose me, and I was thankful.
As I sat there, Fine Homebuilding unheeded, I enjoyed looking at her, and she started doing that girl thing, striking poses, and craning around to look at her body in the mirror over the vanity, rising up on her tippy toes so she could see her butt, standing sideways to see if her breasts were sagging more than yesterday. She was accustomed to me watching her and looking at her, because I had always done it. To me it was like watching a fairy pirouetting in front of me.
She turned sideways, and looked at me and said, “Honey, do you think I have a big butt?” I should have just hit myself over the head with a hammer. Instead, being always completely honest with her, I said, wishing to give her truth, “Well, baby…” I hesitated for like, 3 seconds, looking at her butt, and deciding that it was just as perfect as it was yesterday, and the day before, and ever since I first saw it, the night she asked me to stay over in her college dorm room. Before I could say so, she cried out, “Oh my God! You think I have a big butt!” And started crying broken heartedly.
I stood up and went into the bathroom, to hug her and make sure she knew what I really thought, but that was not to be, the deed was done, my hesitation cost me a day of her crying, and a Marias Taco.
In hindsight, I know that Confucius was right when he said… “He who hesitates, is lost.” And I learned the lesson that there is no right answer to that question, except to pick up a gun, and shoot yourself. If you say “yes,” you might as well be dead, and will probably shortly be divorced. And if you say “no”, you will be forced to listen to repeated “You don’t mean that. You are just saying that so you don’t have to say I have a big ass” until you wish you could pick up a gun, and shoot yourself.
The only good answer to that question, is to grab her, rip off the towel, and have your way with her, right there on bathroom floor, even if your in-laws are out in the living room.
Jenny