I had a houseguest this week, and he reminded me that there are actually people out there who walk their talk, and appreciate the world that they live in. A lot of people pay lip service to that, but when it comes down to minute by minute reality, they struggle, and are distracted by the complications of living their lives. This man has such grace in how he lives. And it was exactly what I needed.

For the last couple months or more, I have struggled with keeping what is important at the center of my thoughts. Having cancer, and coming to accept that it isn’t going away, has been confusing and distracting to me, and I have wrestled with remembering that I have a grander purpose than the minutiae of momentary discomfort. My life is bigger than cancer. It is bigger than how I am going to pay next month’s rent, or how I can keep my little bidness afloat. Bigger even, than the thoughts about my own mortality.

Back when Jenny died, I was stuck in the morass of my own grief, and the scariness and complexity of having to choose a new path for myself. I wrestled with all the details of loving a woman who was not going to be with me any more, except where I carry her, in my heart. My life had paused, and I wanted to get it going again. It almost blinded me to what is really important.

In fact, the only way I could figure out how to accept losing her, was to finally re-acquaint myself with something that I believed deeply, but I had been overlooking in the sad months of watching her suffer and fade and finally be gone. 

I have long had a deep belief that we are here on this earth for a reason. It has been something that I worked on every day. To be worthy of my life. I can not accept that life is random, and that I am a cog in the wheel of the big machine of life that sucks you in, and then spits you out at the end, for better or worse. If I was not here for a reason, then what was the point of having my little peespot of a life that passes so quickly? I was only able to accept Jenny’s death by accepting that she was gone, because she had given her all, and completed her purpose for having been put here. And I want to do that too.

My life has been full of magic, and wonderful adventures, and I feel that the blessings that I have been given have encouraged me to forge ahead and try my very best to give back to the universe, so that my passing along this path will not have been for naught. I feel strongly that I have a purpose. I am not sure what that purpose may be, but I have done the things that I felt were necessary to keep myself open to that purpose, so that whenever I discover what it may be, I will be ready and able to complete it, with some panache and grace. But life is not about the end, it is about the journey. And my journey has been pretty amazing. And as such, it has helped me feel that my purpose is grand and necessary, and it needs what I bring to the table.

Having Ron stay with me this past week was wonderful. He reminded me that kindness is still important. It was great to have somebody who did not judge me, but instead just accepted Sam for Sam. Living alone, a person can forget that he is ok, that life goes on, and there is that big playing field ahead of him, on which he can make his mark or sit by the side and watch life pass by. We sat and played Mancala, and broke bread together, and talked about small things. I don’t have much of that in my life, and it was so refreshing to remember that small things can be big things.

I have just gotten my latest shot of Lupron, and the side effects were dragging me down. The shot took effect more quickly than it had before, and I was beset with even more sweaty hot flashes and spells of fatigue and subliminal depression, which can be all encompassing. But Ron did not pity me, he just accepted that I was not feeling very good, and we focused on what was more important. Friendship is a powerful motivator.

4 days into his visit, at dinner, I wanted to play some music for him that I thought he would enjoy. So I tried to have Alexa play those songs for us while we sat there eating. Unfortunately, Alexa is just a whore for Amazon, and after trying to get her to play the music I wanted, and being slapped in the face with her plugging for getting me to sign up for the service that would allow me easy access for only $4.99 per month, I screamed at her that I did not want her f-ing service, I just wanted to hear a couple songs. So, of course, she could not play them unless she could get my money. I tried backing into what I wanted, by asking differently, but it always came back to her stubbornly insisting that I should give Amazon more of my money. I lost patience with her, and unplugged her, and banished her to the garage.

The worst aspect of online services is that somehow, it became de rigueur to whore for money. I hate that about YouTube, and every other website that forces me to ignore stupid ads that I am not interested in, just to have access to data that is in the public domain. That is just out and out whoring for the corporations, and I object strenuously to it in any form.

So, having been so pissed off that I banished Alexa yet again to the garage, I became proactive, and searched for the cd that had the songs I wanted on it, and amazingly, found it, and stuck it in my cd player. It was a cd with songs from Brave Combo, that always cheers me up. And it did not cost $4.99 per month to enjoy. I enjoyed it so much that before I knew it, I was dancing around in the living room, singing along with the songs and smiling and laughing. Music that soothes the savage beast. (I know that is a misquote) I felt great, and even though I had dragged ass through the day, barely able to get up from my throne on my back porch where I was enjoying my back yard and my waterfall, and the beautiful birds at my feeders, here I was dancing, (a thing that I almost never do, because I am the worst dancer that ever lived) and feeling… well… pretty dang great. I had totally forgotten what it felt like to feel great. That darn minutiae again. When your body becomes difficult to anticipate what it will be feeling at any specific moment, you get dragged down and forget the good things in life. My heart was light, I was spending time with someone that I love and trust, and for about an hour or two, I forgot all the awfulness. It was… well… great! I remembered that I am a man who likes to cut up, and laugh, and be spontaneous. And the dancing brought me back to the man I am and want to be. 

It was just what I needed, to help put things back into perspective. It took Rons patience and empathy to remind me again, that life is bigger than cancer. That I am a vital human being, with much left to give, not the least of which, to be me, Sam Birchall, who loves people and myself, and life and mornings, and adventure. I owe him big time for that. I had not realized that I was standing at the edge of the abyss, looking into it, and it was looking back into me. I am so glad to be back.

The cancer won’t change, but I still have much to give, bread to cast upon the waters, far horizons to arrive at. The journey to enjoy and learn from. Life is a pretty groovy thing when you can shake off the minutiae, and stride forth with gladness in your heart.

I woke up this morning, feeling like the Sam I know and enjoy being. Life is again exciting and full of promise. I feel a renewed sense of purpose, and though I still don’t have a clear view of just what that purpose may be, I am more confident that if I keep on searching, I may just stumble upon what it is. Or not, as it is the journey that matters.

Thanks for being my brother in this journey, Ron. I hope that I gave as good as I received.