Up until 6 months ago, all I really knew about eunuchs was having read the Game of Thrones series years ago. In the story, Daenerys had an army of eunuchs, who were huge warlike castrated men who were loyal to her.

When the oncologist told me that the shot he was going to give me was a chemical castration shot, and asked if I would be able to accept that, I laughed. He seemed worried that it might be something that would be an issue. He quickly added that he could prescribe Viagra. I laughed again even harder, and he seemed surprised by my reaction. I quickly assured him that I was not even sexually active, and had not been for some time.

Not that, at that point, I would not have welcomed being sexually active, but I am just not a casual sex kind of guy. I have not had a girlfriend for some years. And to become sexually active, I have some… well… rules, so to speak, that would have to be met before I would open myself up again to that sublime state. I remember sex and how much I loved having someone in my life that I could be intimate with.

It sounds naive, but I have not wanted sex just for the fun of having an orgasm. I want the whole biscuit. I want love, and commitment, and intimacy, and something on which I could build a deeper engagement with a woman. I had that with Jenny, and being of relatively sound mind and body, even at 70 years old, I wish to have something like that again. The deep satisfaction of having a special someone to whom I can be a devoted partner is a thrilling idea to me. And I am good at that, being committed, and romantic, and thoughtful. It is one of my best things.

Since Jenny died, I have, in my clumsy way, tried to find a relationship that would be long term. I have had several girlfriends, but none of them lasted all that long. But not for a lack of trying.

At one point, I had a girlfriend who was independent, intelligent, and beautiful, with blonde hair and blue eyes. She was fit, vivacious, and laughed easily, and I started to build something with her. Miraculously, she even liked morning sex, a very rare woman. Though she lived far away, our times together were magical. I was totally falling in love with her. She came here, and I went there, and in spite of the long distance, it seemed to be something that could work. We were not in a hurry, but I was confident that at some point we would live together and get on with it.

Then one day, this conversation occurred.

Me: I am really enjoying this thing that we are building.

Her: I am too, honey. I so enjoyed the time we spent together up there in Austin a couple weeks ago.

Me: Yes, that week was wonderful. Do you have any thoughts about how we are going to work out this distance between us?

Her: Yes, I was thinking about that. When you move down here, you can restart your business here. There is plenty of opportunity here for you.

Well, that was something that I had considered, but she was talking like it was a done deal that I would be moving to Florida. That kind of took me by surprise. We hadn’t really discussed it .

Her: You know, when you move down here, you will have to give up supporting your girls in Mexico. We will be needing the money for our own life here. And they will be farther away so you won’t be able to drive to Mexico at the drop of a hat. You won’t have time for all that.

I immediately thought… DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! Like the robot on the TV show Lost in Space. Did she think that my philanthropy with the girls that I was mentoring and putting through school in Mexico was just a casual thing? Something that I could just drop because my life would be changing? She obviously had not seen my commitment to what I was attempting to do with the girls in Mexico. It was anything but casual. I had given my word to those girls, and I am a man of my word. At minimum, I would see my commitment through with the ones who were already studying on my dime.

Thinking back, I realized that she had not paid much attention to my stories about my girls, and quickly brushed them off, and went on to other things. And I had had the idea that maybe she was jealous of them several times. But I blew off my uneasiness, because I was in love, and building something bigger. That led to thinking about her stories about her past. The stories seemed to have quiet notes of insecurity, though I couldn’t imagine why she would be insecure. She had her own business, she was beautiful, her life had exciting things going on. What was there to be insecure about?

Though I tried to soldier on, as the days passed, her insecurity became more evident. In our conversations, she seemed to judge her worth on what other people thought of her. That is so different from how I see life. I love my friends, and have many. And I welcome their opinions about me. But they are just that, opinions. I have not let other people’s opinions affect how I choose to live for many years.

I am a very autonomous guy. I have met my own needs, take care of my house, cook for myself, do my laundry, and keep my little bidness going because that is how I choose to live. I pay my bills on time, have a good credit rating, and have food to eat. I live life on my own terms. That is truly freedom. If anything, having a woman in my life would make me have to choose what I would drop in order to make space for her in my normally very full life. And to be fair, creating space for her would be important.

That conversation was the beginning of the end with her. It was sad, but that was the way it was. My autonomy was something that bothered her. And I worked hard to have that autonomy. I could make space for her, but I was not going to give up the very thing that allowed me to get through the vagaries of my life.

Getting back to my eunuch status, I accepted the shot, and the eunuch-hood, so to speak, and decided to follow through with the course of radiation and hormone therapy. At the time, I really had no idea what it meant to be chemically castrated.

At first, it was just the scary daily radiation for 9 weeks, and then the effects of the Lupron shot, with the accompanying hot flashes and night sweats and mood swings that filled my days. I was more focused on dealing with my lack of energy, and just getting through a day of work. Some days I could only work 2 or 3 hours before my energy completely went away. I would all of a sudden find myself sweating like a racehorse, and panting, and my energy would plummet. There were times when I would have to just lay down on the floor, panting, and wait for it to pass. Eventually, as I grew sort of accustomed to the side effects, if, in fact, you can ever be accustomed to your body turning traitor, I started being aware that my sex drive had pretty much disappeared. Not all of a sudden, but gradually, over time, I just stopped thinking about my sexual side. It was weird. I have had a strong libido all my life, independent of whether I was currently involved with a woman or not.

I love women. I love how they smell, how they feel in my arms, how they look in the morning right after waking up, with their hair all touseled and pillow wrinkles on their face and morning breath, and how different they are from men. They are to be treasured like the rare flower that each one is. I love the intimacy of having someone with whom I can say anything, and they will accept me for me. I never realized how rare that intimacy is, until I didn’t have it any more.

And I love flirting. Back when I was being a coxswain at the Austin Rowing Club, I flirted with everyone. I even flirted with the gay men at the club, of which there were many. Flirting, if done properly, makes both people feel good.

I still have all that feeling, but the desire is… um… muted. I appreciate the beautiful women around me, and each one is beautiful in her own way, but it is like appreciating art. The sexual connection is gone, and it makes me sad. It is like I am unable to fully appreciate them.

The doctor said, carefully, that “some of my libido” might return after the therapy was finished. Oh boy. Some.

Well, it is too late to cry over spilled milk, and so I am just accepting being a eunuch. I have no plans to go out and become a soldier in an army with my eunuch status. I just hope that I can find someone to create something new and fulfilling with before I shuffle off of this mortal coil. It is not asking for much.

Women, I just love them.  

Life brings interesting things.  

Being an optimist, which I am, and would not give up for anything, is definitely a mixed bag.